I had an epiphany today, about hillbillies. I thought – well, wait a minute, let me back up…

So the other day, I’m outside doing some work. Down the street, one of my hillbilly neighbors is using a leaf blower to push all his leaves out into the street. This is not necessarily an uncommon practice. Perhaps, some people feel it’s easier to bag the pile once it’s on the pavement. Maybe they plan on burning them? I don’t know.

In this case though, the hillbilly found himself with a huge pile of leaves in the street, and not the initiative one needs to do anything responsible with it. So… With the help of hillbilly resourcefulness, he backs his truck out of the drive and up the road a ways, and, repeatedly, speeds it through the pile, each time, lengthening the pile until it stretches half the block. I guess he figured that was cool. Now even people without trees have a bunch of his leaves all over their easement.

Now back to my epiphany today. I thought “We need to end ‘reproductive rights.’” I’m all for personal freedom and so on… but we have to stop the hillbilly cycle. The trouble is, anyone can become a hillbilly. You just feel self-entitled and turn seriously lazy. But children of hillbillies… They’re screwed. What can they do? Even if they are a naturally industrious type, all they have to follow are benefits-drawing fat smokers.

Pragmatically speaking though, ending reproductive rights isn’t realistic. The technology isn’t there yet, nor is the political will. And even if the political will was there, it wouldn’t, because the big mommy government side of the aisle relies on hillbillies for election.

 So how can we approach this creatively? Let’s outline some knowns:
1.       Liberals like to spend money on useless stupid shit that makes hillbillies happy.

2.       Hillbillies like to do stupid things.

3.       Hillbillies especially like to do stupid things when a video camera is available.

4.       Hillbillies like internal combustion engines.

 Based on these facts, I’d like to propose the development of a motorized unicycle, one that’s affordable enough to package with a video camera. Then, we need to lobby for a program in the next stimulus bill to provide them to hillbillies free of charge, along with food stamps.

Sure. Sure. Sure. Not everyone on food stamps is a hillbilly. Also true, not all hillbillies are on food stamps. However – and this is a point that will be lost on the Liberals – the non-hillbillies will sell their motorized unicycles. And who in the world would buy a discount motorized unicycle? A hillbilly of course.  

 Thoughts?

Listen atheists, I appreciate and understand your position. When your lawsuits successfully remove religious symbols – mainly Jesus and the 10 Commandments – you count a victory. Indeed, allowing the state to endorse, or even seem to endorse, a specific religion can be dangerous – so much so that followers of religion should argue to prevent their own religion from being endorsed. It’s so important because if the state is willing to promote your religion, that means one day it may switch to another, or highjack the authority your religion might give over its followers.

Law suits aren’t the answer here though. Atheists, I know you look forward to a day when religion is only a distant memory. You imagine children hearing about Jesus and Buda the way children now hear about Hector and Hercules. You like to think the future holds a utopian world totally ruled by logic and science, perfect justice, and steady human progress no longer hindered by the belief in a higher greater power.

You have to understand something. You don’t have to even give religion one once of credibility. What you have to do it realize that religion, specifically Jewdeo-Christian religion, is an ingrained part of our culture. Not only were most of the first colonies composed of religious zealots seeking religious freedom, but the vary morality the free world is built upon comes directly from the Jewdeo-Christian religion – The 10 Commandments. Indeed, the idea of valuing other people – life – was enforced beyond Darwinian empathy. This is easily seen in how cruel nearly all other pre-modern societies are/were who did not inherit these values.

Ending slavery, modern justice and democracy, and equality all have roots in Jewdeo-Christian morality. Arguing that religion is the cause of such things as slavery is counter to your precious logic, regardless of how convenient some abusers of religion may have made such arguments.

So spend your time on something productive will you? If your town puts up a display around Christmas, leave it the hell alone. It’s not unconstitutional unless Congress makes a law endorsing a religion. And remember too – atheism is a type of religion. LOL – I know, I know… You really don’t like that. Logic and reason, logic and reason. Seriously though, do you think all your current ideas will be seen as rational science 1000 years from now? More likely our descendents will see our science the way we see blood letting and the study of Chi and humors. Face it. Treating science as your religion is as silly as treating religion as science. And if you don’t want to keep acting like a religion, stop your bickering with religion.

Professor Dove recently said to me:

“Who owns the heart and mind of our children?…  Everyone is telling them what to think and how to think.  Do you know what they are being told?  What are you telling them? “

And I responded:

I’m telling them that penises are poisonous and vaginas are haunted. It’s the only way – scare’m.
I hated that when I was a kid. Teen age boys have too much testosterone to be afraid of anything, or make rational decisions for that matter. And, from my perspective, fear was basically the only thing that ruled.

I remember a conversation that was being had where each person was stating the trauma that each of their boys endured while driving which made them suddenly start driving like they had a brain. “Such bullshit” I remember thinking. I drove better than any of them and had never had anything happen that was scary and didn’t make me want to take more chances.

Ah excess testosterone… Sure, I rubbed a few things and got the car stuck once honing my tactical driving skills, but hell – you have to learn one way or the other and if I ever need to drive in a war zone or as a wheel man I’ll have some background.

I think kids will only have their behavior affected by people they respect. Adolescents emanate their idols. The big problem is kids respect people for weird reasons, which means they have their behavior affected by weird people.

It could very well be the only thing standing between the world and another disasterous flu pandemic. I hope this influence is limited. I got the vaccine Monday. That kind of reminds me of an incident a few years ago in Michigan when an unnamed, mildly retarded radio personality made the claim that childhood vaccinations are responsible for autism, despite the volume of evidence to the contrary. There was like a minipanic, and I heard from more than one religious family that they weren’t going to vaccinate their kids, out of fear of autism. I love free speach, but I don’t love loud ignorance.

Ok, all you idiots upset about the President giving a speech to the kids need to square it away. Are you seriously worried about the President of the United States sporting ideology to kids in a national speech? Do you know how low class and divisive that would be? Come on…

If you ask me I think the leader of our country should give an Obama speech at least once a year.

Now I understand – believe me. I wouldn’t put it past Obama. I was as hopeful as a spring chick after his inauguration, but like you, I’ve had the optimism beaten out of me – Obama letting the Pelosi Posy run roughshod all over congress. Let him encourage the kids though, they need it.

As for you Obama… Come on. That work sheet or whatever wasn’t too bright was it? Write an essay about how you can help the president?  Have you not noticed that your presidency (which resembles a campaign) has becomehighly divisive? What did you think would happen after forcing though that ridicules “stimulus” bill, bartering the cap and trade through the House, holding that carnivalistic Cash for Clunkers fiasco, and letting the hard left of congress write your health reform bill? Talk about tax n’ spend crazy hippy Liberalism.

But besides all that, next time you want to give a speech to students, don’t do it on the first day of school and not during the most unorganized time of the day – lunchtime. You’re really busting our balls man.