What We Know About Hillbillies And Sterilization

I had an epiphany today, about hillbillies. I thought – well, wait a minute, let me back up…

So the other day, I’m outside doing some work. Down the street, one of my hillbilly neighbors is using a leaf blower to push all his leaves out into the street. This is not necessarily an uncommon practice. Perhaps, some people feel it’s easier to bag the pile once it’s on the pavement. Maybe they plan on burning them? I don’t know.

In this case though, the hillbilly found himself with a huge pile of leaves in the street, and not the initiative one needs to do anything responsible with it. So… With the help of hillbilly resourcefulness, he backs his truck out of the drive and up the road a ways, and, repeatedly, speeds it through the pile, each time, lengthening the pile until it stretches half the block. I guess he figured that was cool. Now even people without trees have a bunch of his leaves all over their easement.

Now back to my epiphany today. I thought “We need to end ‘reproductive rights.’” I’m all for personal freedom and so on… but we have to stop the hillbilly cycle. The trouble is, anyone can become a hillbilly. You just feel self-entitled and turn seriously lazy. But children of hillbillies… They’re screwed. What can they do? Even if they are a naturally industrious type, all they have to follow are benefits-drawing fat smokers.

Pragmatically speaking though, ending reproductive rights isn’t realistic. The technology isn’t there yet, nor is the political will. And even if the political will was there, it wouldn’t, because the big mommy government side of the aisle relies on hillbillies for election.

 So how can we approach this creatively? Let’s outline some knowns:
1.       Liberals like to spend money on useless stupid shit that makes hillbillies happy.

2.       Hillbillies like to do stupid things.

3.       Hillbillies especially like to do stupid things when a video camera is available.

4.       Hillbillies like internal combustion engines.

 Based on these facts, I’d like to propose the development of a motorized unicycle, one that’s affordable enough to package with a video camera. Then, we need to lobby for a program in the next stimulus bill to provide them to hillbillies free of charge, along with food stamps.

Sure. Sure. Sure. Not everyone on food stamps is a hillbilly. Also true, not all hillbillies are on food stamps. However – and this is a point that will be lost on the Liberals – the non-hillbillies will sell their motorized unicycles. And who in the world would buy a discount motorized unicycle? A hillbilly of course.  

 Thoughts?

Tagged as: antics, cameras, children, combustion, engines, hillbilly, internal, like, prevent, reproductive, sterilization, stupid, video